I was sitting in class today, trying not to fall asleep as my professor went on and on about collective bargaining, when baby decided to throw party in my belly, I looked down and couldn't help but smile as I felt little movements, and then I cried. Right there in the middle of classroom with 90 people in it. Hormones, insert eye roll here. Becoming a mom scared me, I would take the LSAT over and over, and have less nerves than what I am currently experiencing. Before I met Kody I was pretty content with my life, I was happy, I had goals, and plans to achieve those goals, then I met him and it was a whole new world view. The plan shifted, not altogether changed, but shifted, it now became our goals, no longer me but we, and we both tried to adjust what we wanted our end goal to be. I never imagined myself as a mom, not really, and at the time they were about 65th on my to do list, maybe it was my fear of failing as a mother, not being good enough, financially unready, or more likely it was probably my fear of not being able to get pregnant, so I continually distanced myself from it "if I don't want it, it can't/won't hurt when I don't get it....right?" We had been married about a year when Kody and I talked about kids being part of the plan, the goal, the future, it made me a little sick. I won't bore you with the "what if's" that constantly plagued my mind, but know that they were there. We moved forward, and within two months we saw those two little lines, positively pregnant, whelp here goes nothing. Things were good for a while, but then the spotting came, then more blood, and then a lot of pain. I went in to the doctor, where I learned the baby hadn't made it, he checked to make sure everything had cleared and flushed cleanly, they drew some blood and sent me on my way. I didn't know I was capable of generating that many tears, but what I also didn't realize was how much I already loved that little tiny baby, not much bigger than a grape. Lesson learned number one. Being a mom was important to me. For the next few months I felt empty, sad, and I guess a little bitter, and I felt that every other person on social media was having a healthy pregnancy. My mom, and others, including my doctor assured me that although I had miscarried I was at least able to get pregnant. Lesson learned number two, there are so many different types of infertility, and many women experience it, I learned that miscarriage was common, 1 in 5 pregnancies end this way, and for many different reasons, and I learned I couldn't blame myself for what happened. I moved on, Kody and I lived life, and we had fun and it was happy. It was the middle of May when I suspected I might be pregnant again, seriously those dang hormones, your body knows, but I was scared to take a test, we went to see Kody's family for Memorial Day and I snagged a test at Walmart, did my part and a minute later, two lines. We were excited, but two days later his mom passed away and it was so hard, I've never seen Kody so heartbroken. That was a week of competing emotions, a roller coaster at it's finest. The day before the funeral, the blood started, my already heavy heart, dropped and tugged further, but I tried to be there for Kody and the rest of the family that had just lost a most loved one. I talked to my doctor and he said don't be too worried unless it was a lot of bright fresh blood, so the day went on, and there was no bleeding, Kody and I returned home after the funeral and I got back into my routine. That following week, the dreaded happened. A repeat of just a few months prior. Lesson learned number three, I learned a little more of how love really works, the words "I thought I loved you then" would fit appropriately here. I snapped back after this miscarriage more quickly than the first, and I was reassured by a very loving Heavenly Father, that it wasn't the time and for the time being he needed to say no. Not that it wasn't hard, but I was just about to start Law school and I really think there were too many changes happening at once for me to fully wrap my head around anything with full clarity. School was my main focus. After I started school I felt good, I was doing me. Time passed and it was getting close to our second anniversary and a thought kept running through my mind, "mommy I'm here, I'm coming" I know that makes me sound like a crazy person, but I remember writing in my journal how it wouldn't leave my thoughts, and how it was a peaceful feeling, that it wasn't scary. It was about 3 weeks after my period was supposed to arrive that I finally took a test, and for the third time I saw those two little precious lines, but something in me turned dark when I saw it, forgetting that peace I had felt. I showed Kody the test and I said well looks like we'll have another miscarriage, I was so negative and every time I'd need to go to the bathroom I'd look for and wait for the blood to start. It never came. We went to the doctor and got the confirmation that there was a little one, and we were able to hear it's little, and fast heart at 172 beats per minute. Neither one of us could hold back the tears, as we listened to and watched that little bean move around. I became more positive, and just made a goal of getting to 12 weeks where the chance of miscarriage dropped to just 3%, that wait was soooo long, and nearly unbearable, I didn't have much to keep my mind busy as I was on winter break, and had 4 weeks to hang out. The appointment date came and again we heard that adorable little heartbeat, I thought about making it my ringtone, but like maybe that was too weird? I downloaded multiple apps that would help me track my pregnancy and Kody and I would talk about what we thought it was, we both voted for our respective genders. We opted for optional 16 week anatomy scan and found out we were expecting what I expect to be THE cutest little girl on July 21, 2018. It's gonna be a hot summer. Kody said he wanted a girl all along, and since he found out, that little girl already has her daddy wrapped around her finger. I think I've been replaced as his favorite, number one girl. Finding out what we were having, made everything real, like s*** just got real, real. It was not longer an "it" or "the baby" but a she and her. Planning has been so fun, we got stuff for the nursery, started to tell more people, and I thought this is what it's about. THENNNN I felt her really move for the first time, and it was unreal, different and I'll admit a little unnerving that I am literally growing a human in my belly, but very wonderful. Kody felt her kick, I'm convinced she'll be soccer player, around 22 weeks, and he was so giddy and since then tries to get her to move and kick him. Just the other morning I snuggled closer to him to see some pictures on his phone of our newest nephew and she must have felt cramped because she gave him a nice kick in the back. He makes sure to get his daddy time in, talks to her and snuggles my belly, which is weird when other couples do things like that, but so cute when he does it, he constantly wants to hold my belly to feel her move, and she's a stubborn little thing who seems to sense when he's about to touch my stomach and will stop moving. The perks of being a woman! She likes to sleep in in the morning, and party late at night, just getting me ready for the sleepless nights after her arrival. I feel so blessed to be able to carry this life, and that's why I cried in school today, because I felt the little kicks of my gonna be best friend, shopping buddy, daddy's little girl, because we've gotten this far. I know that waiting a year for this adorable little human doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice, and that people think I'm naive for taking it so hard, I know, that compared to others I haven't had it rough, that some people can't and won't ever have children in this life, but it's also not easy for anyone, no matter how far along to lose a child. I've learned that feeling loss has helped me to be more grateful for what I have, the multiple pee breaks, the ever growing belly, the wonderful side effects of pregnancy, and it is all worth it! Which brings me to lesson learned number four, there is a plan, and there is timing and order to that plan, the plan is to help us grow and become refined, to learn of Him and be like him. Through every experience we have an opportunity to learn, and as we learn we get small glimpses of the eternal perspective, we learn what truly matters. I've learned that it's not as important to have an impressive degree, or be the CEO of a fortune 500 company as it is to raise a child and to have a family that is centered around the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Now if July could just hurry up and get here.
Sorry for the lack of pictures, she's not really into selfies yet and every time we try to get a profile picture at our appointments she has her own ideas, so here's to probably the only bump picture you'll see. #23weeks
Sincerely,
The Suter's
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